Thursday, June 23, 2011

Nibble Nibble

First, the spam:

On Tue, Jun 21, 2011 at 11:33 PM, kim Bradly <> wrote:
My name is Kimberly Bradly,an accountant with FIRST CITY MONUMENT BANK PLC (FCMB Plc).The reason am contacting you,is for us to work together
in achieving a very legitimate opportunity/prospect in my office that
will be of great benefit to us.
We will share in the ratio of 50/50% at the end of a successful deal.

If you are interested please contact me with a valid telephone number
via this email: for better communication.


Kimberly Bradly.


Naturally, as a concerned citizen of the world, my only choice was to show said concern, which was displayed thusly:

 I am not with phone right now but I am much interested in this project. Can we please to be using email for communication? Thanks you so much.



Thanks for your email response , I want you to know that my reason for contacting you is very important and very legitimate. Please take this seriously. All I want is a Honest business transaction with you. I will start by introducing my self. My name is Ms. Kimberly Bradly, I am an Accountant with First City Monument Bank Nigeria Plc. I have been working with the First City Monument Bank of Nigeria for the past 8 years.

I am 36 years of age. Am dark in complexion, 5:9"tall. The details of my proposal and the reason why I contacted you is very important. I am the personal Account Manager to the deceased, He used to work with the Shell Petroleum Development Company here in Nigeria, as an Expatriate. Unfortunately, on the 21 April 2005, My client, his wife, and their three children were involved in a car accident along Lagos/Ibadan expressway, Lagos .All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since his death I have made several inquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended Relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.

My bank has issued me several notice to provide the Next of Kin being that I am his personal Account before his death. The last notice for claim came to my desk three days ago. I have been notified to provide a next of kin to claim the funds or the account confiscated within the next fourteen official working days. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank. For the fact that I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 4 years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at $8,472,000 Million US Dollars can be paid to you, then you and I can share the money 50% to me and 50% to you, after claiming the funds.

This project will be of great benefit to us. As a matter of fact, an attorney will be contracted to help us re-validated and notarize all the necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this deal through. I guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. I will attach my International passport and photo if you are interested in the proposal. I am willing to send you more information for you to understand better.

I will send you some important information in my next email. As soon as I hear from you, I will direct you further on the legal procedure to claim the funds.

Thanks for cooperation,

Kimberly Bradly


Thankfully, Kimberly had provided me with the essential information I would need to further this process along. Her age, skin tone, and height would surely prove to be invaluable pieces of knowledge in our ongoing quest to keep the Nigerian government's filthy hands off this money. As any of you would have done, I promptly replied with the proper urgency and enthusiasm.

I am so sorry to hearing of your loss. It is sounding like the great man of the world has been lost. I very look forward to hearing the next from you. To being truthful, the moneys is of not important to me. But my family we are very little having much money and are believing this is being sent by some holy things. What informations you are needing is what I am giving to you. Have your day is blessed very much.



Kimberly's prompt reply left me breathless with anticipation and intrigue.

Thanks for your response but i would advise we put aside any money issue except you are not willing to do this, i want you to know that this transaction would be of benefit to us and our families this is a very legitimate transaction, I will be giving you more information on how you can get this funds claimed. You can trust me on that, it is not a problem, being that I work in the bank, I can help you on that. I know the legal procedure to file claim. Before I give you more details about this project, I would like you to know some important information, Hence I need your prompt cooperation and response. From the records of Anderson Alan Hill, he was born in the United States . As I have told you earlier, the account of Anderson Alan Hill been dormant for a long time. The funds has remained unclaimed since his death, and I have made several efforts with intent to locate any of his extended relatives whom shall be claimants/beneficiaries of his abandoned personal estate, and all such efforts have been to no avail.

More so, I have received official letters over the past months suggesting a likely proceeding for confiscation of his abandoned personal assets in line with existing laws by the bank. Just three days ago, I received a noticed that the funds in the Account of Anderson Alan Hill
will be confiscated within 14 working days, if there is no next of kin or beneficiary to file claim. However, it will interest you to know that I discovered that some directors of the bank are making plans already to have this fund to themselves only to use the excuse that since I am unable to find a next of kin to Anderson Alan Hill the funds should be confiscated, meanwhile their intentions is to have the funds retrieved for themselves.

I assure you that there is no Legal consequence against you. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law. I will send you more details and information on how this can be successful. All I require is your honest cooperation.

This transaction involves alot of money that will be useful to us, So I would like to know you more before we continue. If you have any question please do not hesitate to ask. As soon as we complete this project, I will can meet and use this to create more business opportunities for us.I have attached a copy of my international passport and ID please do send me a copy of your identification so we can proceed here is my number if you want to call (+)2347031313646.

I will be waiting to hear from you.




You should know two things about the above email: First, I had a hell of a time reformatting it to match the previous emails, and I obviously still couldn't quite get it right. This was not so much due to my lack of anything resembling a working knowledge of the intricacies of Blogger. No, this was mainly caused by the strange fact that Kimberly's email suddenly changed format beginning with the last name of her client. The last name of "Hill," which the more clever of you have surely noticed also happens to be my last name. Sweet mother of something amazing and mystical, this man and I shared a surname! In the vast universe that is the world wide web, somehow two tiny flecks of cyberspace dust had collided against all odds! If I hadn't been completely sure of Kimberly's intentions before, I now had no doubt that she was a messenger from the electronic heavens. Also, she had thoughtfully attached a copy of her "International Passport" (far more handy than the typical, yet basically useless, "Interneighborhood Passport) and work ID.  These documents can be seen here:

Clearly this business is of the serious kind, not the monkey kind I had initially assumed it to be. I will keep you posted as to my progress in liberating the money of this great man (and obvious long-lost relative!) as more details come to light. Until then, keep your chin up and your nose to the grindstone. (Ha! You can't do both at the same time. Silly muppet.)


Please to be knowing that Kimberly's "signature" looks amazingly like a font called Scriptina, which you can be seeing here


I've never tried Nigerian Spam but it does sound enticing.

But I am really here with this BREAKING NEWS story: Ron Artest has petitioned the court to legally change his name to Metta World Peace!

Now back to the topic at hand...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Obviously this is one of those companies that create personalized fonts based on an individual's handwriting. Clearly what has happened here is that they were so impressed with Kimblerly's flowing cursive that they have assumed it for themselves and are selling it for profit. Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. I will notify Kimberly of this treachery and contact the company directly. Such immoral business practices will not stand. Welcome to my crusade! (This comment has been edited for typos. For a change.)

@Mud - From what I've heard, Nigerian spam has a distinctive zip not found in domestic spam. Rumors that said "zip" are the result of less than meticulous oversight are almost entirely unfounded and have never been specifically proven. Also, Ron Artest is officially incapable of doing anything that would surprise me. He has joined the lofty ranks of Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid, and Charlie Sheen.

I also like that "Kimberly" is her signature. She's like Cher now. Or Prince. Awesome.

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