Saturday, July 16, 2011

Back to My Roots

As most of you know, this blog began with spam. I had some fun messing with a spammer until they gave up on me. Well, I decided to kick it old school with this post. Below you'll find my conversation with one Akmal Wahidah, Esq. Yep, Esquire. So you know it's legit.

I am Akmal Wahidah, a Malaysian lawyer. A deceased client of mine, that shares same last name with you,died as a result of a heart-related condition on March
12th 2007. His heart condition leading to his death was due to death of all members of his family in tsunami disaster in Sumatra, Indonesia.
I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over last 4 years now. You can reach me for more information as my late client left behind a deposit of $17,500,000.00 Million Dollars.
Best Regards,
Barr. Akmal Wahidah Esq
(How could I just sit there and let poor Akmal suffer? He's a Malaysian lawyer, for crying out loud. If anyone needs help, it's my boy Akmal. Plus, the dead dude has the same last name as me! I couldn't help but notice that Akmal neglected to say what that last name actually is, but I decided to cut him some slack. He's got a lot on his mind. Naturally, I replied immediately.)

I am sorry for your loss. The world can be a cruel place. Anything I can do to help will be done.
(Having finally found someone willing to help with his predicament, Akmal replied very quickly. Akmal is probably the most efficient Malaysian lawyer I know.) 
Dear Friend,
Your quick response to my mail is quite appreciated.
I have been earnestly waiting to hear back from you and am very glad to write you again, and with no doubt that we are going to have a successful and glorious transaction. I want you to understand and I believe fate has brought us to having this wonderful opportunity in our hands and I want us to handle it together with all sincerity and trust for as much as I know, many people are hoping and praying for an offer like this today yet they did not get it. 

I wish to proceed with more details to you on how we are going to achieve this great opportunity. My late client died of heart attack because members of his family were involved in the tsunami disaster in Indonesia and none of his relative is alive today to claim his deposit in HSBC bank here in Malaysia. I contacted you since you have the same last name and with your cooperation, I can present and file in your name as the due beneficiary and next of kin to my late client for the release and transfer these funds to you. The funds in question, if not claimed within given time as permitted by the government will be confiscated.
Presently, I am in possession of all relatng documents, and considering the present state of affairs, I will make them available to you only when you agree to work with me as partners.I want this done so that I can use a good part of my share for helping the poor and the needy and for charity works. You shall receive 45% for your assistance.
However, I must assure you that this transaction is safe and all modalities is in place to ensure that this is done in a legitimate way without a single breach of law. I shall require from you to process the claim in this regard are:

All I require from you is your maximum cooperation. Call me for oral discussion at my direct number below.
Sincerely yours.
Barr. Akmal Wahidah Esq
(At this point, I'm sold. He even gave me his direct number for oral discussion. Had he given me his indirect number, or a number for written discussion, I would've had my doubts. Nope, Akmal is the real deal. My response follows, but first a quick disclaimer. I was pretty tired when I wrote this email. At the time, the only logical way I could think of to respond was to make as many sexual innuendos as possible. It was Akmal's offer of "oral discussion" that triggered this. For the uninitiated among you, the euphemisms, along with my other "witty" word play, have been highlighted and explained. Most of them are pretty obvious, though, which may explain why I've yet to hear back from Mr. Wahidah.)
I am more than happy to provide this information for you:

Daniel Glebitz
(Dan Glebitz. Dangly Bits. Come on, people.)
420 Tokum Circle
(Seriously? 420 Tokum. Are you even trying? Weed. Marijuana. Herb.)
Bedford Falls, WI 0U812
(The town from "It's a Wonderful Life" and a Van Halen reference. Not too many blogs give you both in one entry, let alone the same line. It's a gift.)
(Ask for Jenny.)

No need for oral dicsussion
(intentional typo). I'm sure it's hard enough for you to deal with this. I know it's been difficult for you to handle such a heavy load.

Please let me know how else I can help you with this job. I don't want to blow it. Thank you so much for your time. I know we're heading in a new direction
(Say it quickly.). We can pull this out, trust me. I know this will end with much satisfaction, and everybody will get a happy ending. Keep your chin up. I'm sure you have a firm grasp on the situation.

Not exactly Pulitzer material, but I'm hoping Akmal will rise to the occasion. I hope he doesn't notice that I've been jerking him around. The ball is in his court. (They just keep coming, folks.)

(For the record... yes. A little bit ashamed. I know.) (Also, sorry for the weird fonts and spacing. HTML isn't my thing just yet.)


Well, I'd think you would be ashamed. All poor Akmal wants to do is help the poor and the needy and do charity work -- although I would think that helping the poor and needy would qualify as charity work, but maybe he has something else in mind. You can probably do a lot of things with $17,500,000.00 Million Dollars. (Is that 17.5 million million dollars? Or am I getting greedy now?)

I'm hoping for $17.5 million million. Because 45% of that is, like, well over $100, which is pretty rad.

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