Wednesday, July 13, 2011

An Open Letter to the Connecticut Department of Labor

Dear Connecticut Department of Labor,

I am writing to inform you that you suck. Wait, wait. It's not that I don't appreciate the money you give me every week. I do. No, really, it's great. Thank you for that. No, what I'm writing to you about is your TeleBenefits line.
You see, because my memory is the proverbial slice of delicious Swiss cheese, I have forgotten my password for your online b-... no, it's the Department of La-... no. The Connecticut Labor Online Department of Connecticut System Benefits Tax. Well, shit. That's not it either. Please hold. Ok, it's the Connectic-... screw it. You know what it's called. It's your site. This one.

Anyway, I forgot my password. I usually have the same password for everything, which everyone says is bad but they all do it, too. I couldn't do it for your site, though, because it has to be x characters long, including a capital, a number, a symbol, and the definition of pi to the 2,843rd number. Somehow, I couldn't remember this password, and after several attempts (and at least three times as many colorful phrases describing your ancestors and their various shenanigans), you locked my account. Ok, fine. I get that. It's a security thing, and I'm sure you guys deal with fraud all the time. That's not the problem here.

The problem is this: in order to unlock my account, I have to the aforementioned TeleBenefits line. No big deal, right? I mean, I'm the dummy who couldn't remember his password. Very true. However, the reason I even have an account with the Connecticut Department of Labor is that I'm unemployed (or, as I prefer to call it, "currently between professional endeavors"). Generally, "unemployed" = "lots of time on one's hands." I mean, I started a blog for crying out loud. I've learned (kinda) how to do counted cross-stitch. I have something called a "punch needle" for a future project, which, despite its name, has nothing to do with heroin. My point is, free time is not something I happen to be lacking.

What I'm trying to say is, when I call your TeleBenefits line? To unlock my effing unemployment account? Stop telling me that there's a long hold time, longer than usual, and to please try again at a later time. And then hang up on me. Dude, all I *have* is "later time." Tons of it. If I want to use it listening to the same horrible elevator music song on a loop, occasionally punctuated with the false hope I get from a human voice telling me all the things I can do using the online system that I'm locked out of, that's my prerogative. (No, that's not misspelled. I know. Yes, I know it looks like it is. No. No. NO. It's... Bobby Brown... you know what? Look it up.)

Point being, just about anybody who puts themselves through listening to 57 minutes of Kenny G-sounding AM Gold-wannabe Muzak is probably likewise unemployed. We, the people of the unemployment ranks, do not have much. But we do have time. Lots. So quit hanging up on us "for our convenience." Because dammit, we're people, too. We have time. And feelings. And we matter.

Also, now I have Bobby Brown stuck in my head. Thank you for that.

Disgruntled, Unemployed, and Luckily-for-You Unarmed

PS - The least you could do is click on all the pretty links I've taken the time to sprinkle in there. I took the time to put them there, you can take the time to click them.

Update (July 13, 2011, 6:39PM EST): PPS - I humbly (and not at all immaturely) submit my idea for your new logo as follows:


1: Brilliant (per usual.)
2: Jungle Love=Extra brilliant and NOW stuck in MY head.
3: It's the same bullshit here in California too.
4: WTF is our gov't concerned with our "convenience" when they go out of their way to make shit INconvenient as possible as OFTEN as possible? I wonder this often.
5: LMAO @ punch needle. The visual of you julia child voice'in it and explaining the usage of said thing cracks me up so hard I just snorted vitamin water. (sidenote: is it still good for your body as it claims when it evacuates through your nose or is it merely a false claim that requires stomach digestion? I know I know I'm all full of questions of great deliberation today..)

@Oceanna :
1. Thank you veddy much.
2. Oh Eee Oh Eee Oh. (You're welcome.)
3. Damn the man, save the Empire.
4. What you say is, in fact, an inconvenient truth. ( )
5. Real men know their way around an embroidery hoop. (Although, in my defense, I did have to Google it to find out what it's called. Evidently it's not a "stitch loop.") Also, this:
6. (Ha! You didn't have a #6! I win!) Your comment? Brilliant (per usual.) makes me super sad. Damn the marketers and down with the man I say! :)

...oh eee Oh..dammit!

@Oceanna - Hey, it beats downing gallons of Diet Mt. Dew like I do. Which you would think would make me wired because of all the caf- OMG SQUIRREL!!

Cracka lackin? That made me laugh out loud. :)

LOL I've got the opposite probl---ZzzzZZzz.. *snore*

@Mom - Well played with the Stones. And I'll tell Tara you liked the pic. She's the one who found it.

Get jobs. Forget the password for your liberal government handouts. Work!

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